May 2017 Films Ranked

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15. Spark – 1/5

It’s as empty as the space it’s set in

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14. Sleepless – 1/5

It feels like you are watching a flaming barrel of unbridled horseshit flying across a sky of untold boredom

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13. Baywatch – 1/5

It relies on thoughtless jokes lacking any form of wit

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12. Diary Of A Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul – 2/5

Endless toilet and bum humour does get a little tiring

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11. King Arthur: Legend Of The Sword – 2/5

There is no epiphany and no joy to be had from this contrived film of an annoyingly bleak outlook

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10. Snatched – 2/5

It passes the time, but come 2 years and no one will remember it one bit

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9. A Dog’s Purpose – 3/5

Somehow, it feels like a strangely worthwhile watch

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8. Unlocked – 3/5

It mostly stands up to scrutiny, even with some moments of confusion and weakness

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7. Pirates Of The Caribbean: Salazar’s Revenge – 3/5

This is a film hyped up on stupid tangents of endless and bizarre surrealism

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6. Colossal – 3/5

Colossal is a perfect example of poor production of a brilliant idea

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5. Mindhorn – 4/5

It’s more expansive and developed than the Boosh series ever were

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4. The Red Turtle – 4/5

The bond between character and audience is vital, and it works on a very human level

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3. Jawbone – 4/5

It’s closeness and empathetic style feels somewhat theatrical

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2. Alien: Covenant – 5/5

This uses the lore Prometheus was so hyped up on, and turns it into a bleaker, more human outlook on the situation

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 1. Miss. Sloane – 5/5

It takes the audience on an increasily turbulent rollercoaster that is in no way a cliche

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